Diary of an eejit

Where's the ignition key?

2007-05-03T15:52:55+02:00

Where do you start- been to France, been to Macau, been down the road, been for a shit...... don't start me on that one. I've said before, every fucker is an expert these days, so I have builders in at the moment- you know the type, can't finish a cup of tea or coffee, so at the end of the day there's 20 cups scattered all over the house with 2 inches of cold crap in them. Villeroy & Boch fuckin mugs that are only fit for the bin because the lazy shites couldn't finish their drink. Anyway due to the toilet being abused, the flush system broke last night, so I had to fix it- well if you asked those fucks it would be another £50! I am up to my armpits in water when my wife walks in and says"Why are you taking the toilet to bits , you only need to hook it back in"- oh fuck me, I didn't realise that- I just thought I would take the fuckin thing to bits to see how it works- Now Carol Smiley Smiley, you and Handy Randy Fuckin Andy, fuck off and give my head peace................................stick to your own fuckin business otherwise when I get this fuckin thing workin, your head is going down it.

As you hit 60's and 70's your scrotum gets longer and your balls hang down to your knees- it's God being a bastard because if you were 30 and that was the case you would have them out every 5 minutes shaggin and winning bets- no when you're that age, the ball bag is huge but the cock don't work- nowt happening up top. So what happens in this case when you have a shit, do they hit the water line- imagine if you pulled the chain while sitting on the crapper by mistake- you could get pulled under in the undertow.

On that subject I have a white friend, who has a black dick- black as night- it's big and it's black and it's baldy- he used to take it out to show on request- lead us to being barred from a few pubs, but it was quite a sight- he's now 50, so in another 10 or so years, he will look like a black faced cocker spaniel when naked.

There have been a few times when I've nearly got pulled under by the size of shit I am doing, likewise I have nearly been pushed off- I sometimes call the kids in to see- they gotta have goals!

A few times Steve Irwin, god bless, appeared to wrestle with it "Crikey Mate, It's Spittin"- that was another thing, how fuckin ironic is that - he wrestled with crocs, fought snakes, but gets killed by a fuckin stingray............. all I can say is that will never happen to me, unless the tank at the Sealife Centre erupts and I happen to be beside it- ShiteLife Centre- please excuse this tank, we are refurbishing, and awaiting new arrivals- it's an empty tank and what do we all do, look in it in case something is happening..................

As I said, I went to France- nice break, good time, lot's of garlic, lot's of wine and lot's of Fuckin French!! Nice people until they get on the road- fuckin 30kms an hour- and they think Jerry Lewis is funny- now that's the international call sign for fuckwits- throw in Charles Aznavoice, and that quilt Sacha Diestel and you have a fuckin hat trick going on. I thought sophistication, panache, beautiful people- not where I was- I was in a place twinned with Hythe in Kent. I'll leave you with that thought- went to Hythe once, it was closed.

Maxy Spratt was a friend of my Dad's, well Dad hadn't seen him for a while and was walking up the street, when he ran into him, the conversation went like this:
"Hiya Maxy, where you been?"
"Don't fuckin talk to me- have you ever had an itchy arse in the middle of the night?"
"A few times"
"Bet you not like mine. It was so fuckin itchy last night, I was in the bath, outta the bath, rubbing around the floor like a Jack Russell, icing it. Do you know the only relief?"
"No what?"
" I had to run out onto the lawn in the middle of the night, bend over and pull my cheeks apart until the wind cooled it. Good luck"

And off Maxy went leavin my Dad with that tip, which I now feel delighted to have passed onto you.

Talking of similar characters there was another in my town in Ireland called Herman Wurley- he would ask girls out on dates, but not being god's gift, they would decline- he would then send them a present in the post- a pound of butter box with the butter scouped out and replaced with neatly spread smooth shit. The police arrested him for sending obnoxious substances through the post. Nowadys, you would be so confused on what fuckin stamp to put on it, you would have give up and chuck it in the bin.............DIRTY BOY!

Keep scratching!

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I'm getting old!

2007-04-05T09:57:07+02:00

I am getting worried as I get older that I can't cope with life- the onset of a pot belly, piles, grey pubes, slowing up of the metabolism, red tape, arseholes you work for- life seems to be difficult so there's certain things you don't need.

I have a friend, yes one, and they sell coffee- now I love coffee- it clears the colon in a way Princess Di would have been proud of but what the fuck happened to White or Black, sugar no sugar- now you go into a Starfucks and you have Harry Connick Fuckin Jnr singin and you are faced with a menu board the size of a shanty town roof. I would like a coffee please- now would that be a latte, a fratte, a fatty, a skinny, a cappucino, a frappucino- no I'll tell you what give me Fuckin Al Pacino! I want a coffee- I can cope with large or small- after that if there was a sharp instrument it would be going up a barista's nose. Oh and who the fuck put them in charge of the world, telling us how great they are at making coffee- Barista of the Year- I don't fuckin think so- let's have Plate Seller of the Year, Sandwich Maker of the Year. I was in Covent Garden at the weekend with my 69 year old Aunt- we go to the Punch and Judy- she wants a cappucino- they say sorry we only do filtered coffee- GOOD LADS- she gets all uptight- she's from Nth Ireland where they wouldn't know shit from shit. You could brew up acorns and serve it with frothy milk and they would go, Jesus this is great.

See that's the problem, every fucker is an expert now- stick to what you know- you're a milk man, good lad- so what do you want to go and sing on X Factor- because some arse said your rendition of Islands in the Stream down the pub was great.......I don't fuckin think so! Two words Just Jack!

The other thing about the world is- people on TV saying they will give 110% or 120%, or 150%, or 300%..........get a fuckin education you arsewipes- there can only ever be 100% of anything FACT- weeping there to Alan Sugar or fuckin Sharon Osbourne, or worse the biggest asswipe of the lot Louis Fuckin Walsh, I don't want to use the C word as I will be banned, but what a cow's!

As I travel the world, the other thing and it is especially prevalent in Dubai and India- taxi drivers who think they're Jackie Fuckin Stewart, stink of piss and BO and then take 30minutes to write a receipt- it's really good when they have been in a line waiting, with no AC on- the stench hits you when you get in like a fore arm smash from Mick McManus on a Saturday afternoon. Easy - wash your criggs, wash your armpits and slow the fuck down! I think the piss smell is from them scaring themselves as they drive- let's just hope they don't go for a hat trick and shit themselves.

Unfortunately my Mum got pick pocketed at the weekend and lost her purse- so she called me to deal with cancelling the cards- 6 cards, and I phoned every fuckin continent in the world- India, Bangladesh, Europe , Ireland, USA, and even spoke to an Aussie- I pressed 2, I pressed 1, I pressed *, I pressed #, I pressed 3, I pressed my fingers into the pupils of my eyes- however I was happy because 26 different times I was told I was important and my call would be answered shortly- which was nice and made the 3 hours of my life really worthwhile. Is it any wonder people crack and go down McDonalds and shoot 25 people.

I am signing off now- going to France for a few days, so will be back with stories of happiness for your delectable selves- I'll fuck them up- I'll go round asking "Ou est le biblioteque? Le Biblioteque dans la cinema!" Stick that in your Pernod glass and drink it garlic breath.

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I missed the meeting on this!

2007-04-04T12:02:23+02:00

I don't know if you've noticed but I went to the Cashpoint/ATM yesterday- it's stressful enough not knowing if you're gonna get mugged either by the bank or the thug standing behind you, or your details could get cloned, so get this. The bastards are now advertising on the screens- card in, pin in and up pops, " Would you like to know about our great deals on Home Insurance?" Answer Yes, No, or Remind Me later- www.whatthefuck.com.

Oh I think I'll choose remind me later option because it would be great to have the screen come up as you have £50 in your hand and 20 people pissed off behind you- there would be no sighing or tuting at all...............Jesus- what next , when you go to your local Cost Cutter and enter your pin for half a dozen eggs and a pint of milk, up pops a message, would you like to see our offers on Monster Munch. Cheeky Fuckin Bastards- not content in sending junk mail, you now have this shit to deal with- it's the equivalent of the guy from Bangalore phoning you in the middle of Coronation Street, telling you about his great deals on mobiles.......fuck off, the Cabin has just had Bet Lynch on a return visit and Dev is off his tits in the Corner Shop.

I have a tip for you- if some arse phones you at home and says they have someone in your area next week and have great offers on stone cladding- say this "I am so glad you called, any chance you can make an apoointment for me, we are looking at making our mock tudor 3 bedroom palace into a Vegas castle. " They will nearly fall off the seat and will say what about Tuesday at 4, you say " That's perfect...oh hold on I need to check with my wife". Call out to her and ask if Tuesday is ok, then go back and say sorry "My wife is going to get her feet done that day what about Wednesday?" . Continue this going through boils being lanced, piles being operated on, prolapse being pushed back up- you will piss yourself laughing and they'll hang up. That'll teach the fuckers.

And when I am on the subject of homes, what the hell is going on now- we have Location, Location, Location, then Relocation, Relocation, Relocation, and then Location, Location, Location Revisited, and then Relocation....Revisited- fuck me- what genius came up with this- and Kirsty Allsorts and Phil Specter need their bumps read- not to be confused of course with Phil Spectre the gloves don't fit you can't convict- looks like one of the 3 Stooges-music legend! And on that subject- I was watching some shite on cable with Bruno Brookes on it- the caption when he came up was Bruno Brookes Radio Legend. I nearly took a baseball bat to the plasma- fuckin legend, what does that make Ooh Aah, Gary Davies a fucking saint and Jimmy Saville God- fuck me blind- legend , more like a leg end- great boxer though, ask Anthea.

So I will finish with this- have you seen the crap- it started with Connie Fisher's Maria show, now we are looking for a Joseph for his amazing fucking technicolor fuckin dreamcoat, Sandy and the bollocks from Grease, an Opera Company on C4, Extras on cable- tell you what X Factor will be back on and that'll be the top- is it any wonder the suicide rate is on the increase - I still have the scars on my wrist when I heard Steps will be playing a tour with S Club 7. Two words- Cheap Shit and if it isn't reality tv with winners like John Barrowman telling you if you have talent or not, it is fuckin period costume dramas- period is right.

Till next time- good luck, god bless and fuck you!

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