Where do you start- been to France, been to Macau, been down the road, been for a shit...... don't start me on that one. I've said before, every fucker is an expert these days, so I have builders in at the moment- you know the type, can't finish a cup of tea or coffee, so at the end of the day there's 20 cups scattered all over the house with 2 inches of cold crap in them. Villeroy & Boch fuckin mugs that are only fit for the bin because the lazy shites couldn't finish their drink. Anyway due to the toilet being abused, the flush system broke last night, so I had to fix it- well if you asked those fucks it would be another £50! I am up to my armpits in water when my wife walks in and says"Why are you taking the toilet to bits , you only need to hook it back in"- oh fuck me, I didn't realise that- I just thought I would take the fuckin thing to bits to see how it works- Now Carol Smiley Smiley, you and Handy Randy Fuckin Andy, fuck off and give my head peace................................stick to your own fuckin business otherwise when I get this fuckin thing workin, your head is going down it.

As you hit 60's and 70's your scrotum gets longer and your balls hang down to your knees- it's God being a bastard because if you were 30 and that was the case you would have them out every 5 minutes shaggin and winning bets- no when you're that age, the ball bag is huge but the cock don't work- nowt happening up top. So what happens in this case when you have a shit, do they hit the water line- imagine if you pulled the chain while sitting on the crapper by mistake- you could get pulled under in the undertow.

On that subject I have a white friend, who has a black dick- black as night- it's big and it's black and it's baldy- he used to take it out to show on request- lead us to being barred from a few pubs, but it was quite a sight- he's now 50, so in another 10 or so years, he will look like a black faced cocker spaniel when naked.

There have been a few times when I've nearly got pulled under by the size of shit I am doing, likewise I have nearly been pushed off- I sometimes call the kids in to see- they gotta have goals!

A few times Steve Irwin, god bless, appeared to wrestle with it "Crikey Mate, It's Spittin"- that was another thing, how fuckin ironic is that - he wrestled with crocs, fought snakes, but gets killed by a fuckin stingray............. all I can say is that will never happen to me, unless the tank at the Sealife Centre erupts and I happen to be beside it- ShiteLife Centre- please excuse this tank, we are refurbishing, and awaiting new arrivals- it's an empty tank and what do we all do, look in it in case something is happening..................

As I said, I went to France- nice break, good time, lot's of garlic, lot's of wine and lot's of Fuckin French!! Nice people until they get on the road- fuckin 30kms an hour- and they think Jerry Lewis is funny- now that's the international call sign for fuckwits- throw in Charles Aznavoice, and that quilt Sacha Diestel and you have a fuckin hat trick going on. I thought sophistication, panache, beautiful people- not where I was- I was in a place twinned with Hythe in Kent. I'll leave you with that thought- went to Hythe once, it was closed.

Maxy Spratt was a friend of my Dad's, well Dad hadn't seen him for a while and was walking up the street, when he ran into him, the conversation went like this:
"Hiya Maxy, where you been?"
"Don't fuckin talk to me- have you ever had an itchy arse in the middle of the night?"
"A few times"
"Bet you not like mine. It was so fuckin itchy last night, I was in the bath, outta the bath, rubbing around the floor like a Jack Russell, icing it. Do you know the only relief?"
"No what?"
" I had to run out onto the lawn in the middle of the night, bend over and pull my cheeks apart until the wind cooled it. Good luck"

And off Maxy went leavin my Dad with that tip, which I now feel delighted to have passed onto you.

Talking of similar characters there was another in my town in Ireland called Herman Wurley- he would ask girls out on dates, but not being god's gift, they would decline- he would then send them a present in the post- a pound of butter box with the butter scouped out and replaced with neatly spread smooth shit. The police arrested him for sending obnoxious substances through the post. Nowadys, you would be so confused on what fuckin stamp to put on it, you would have give up and chuck it in the bin.............DIRTY BOY!  

Keep scratching!